This is one thing I hear a lot about in my free coaching calls: The dreaded condescending superior.
It seems this particular conflict runs rampant in the business world and today, I’m going to provide a few simple strategies for dealing with the boss who always thinks he (or she) knows better.
First off, it’s important to recognize that “condescension” is usually a tone of voice more than anything. Often, the person’s words aren’t even the problem. It’s just an overall sense that you’re being spoken down to—like you’re a child or a brand new employee who has no idea what she’s doing.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Here are a few ways to explore the problem and resolve it in a professional manner.
1. Step Back and Reassess
Start by giving your boss the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding. Maybe you’re being a little (dare I say it) sensitive? After all, this is business. People aren’t always as kind and gentle as we’d like them to be. Busy executives can be abrupt. They’re focused on facts, not necessarily feelings. Step back from the situation and look at it with an honest, unbiased point-of-view. Is this really a problem…or should you perhaps focus on building a tougher shell?
2. Focus on Face-to-Face
Again, let’s give your boss the benefit of the doubt: Maybe you’re misinterpreting the tone. It’s easy to do, especially at the beginning of a new working relationship. Try to interact face-to-face as much as possible. Tone can be difficult to read over email and over the phone. Even when you know someone very well, signals can get crossed. When you speak one-on-one and in-person, you’re less likely to misinterpret what’s going on.
3. Call Attention to It
Sometimes, even the most self-aware people in the world are completely unaware of the impact they’re having on others. Perhaps your boss is so wrapped up in his own world, he doesn’t hear the condescension in his voice. Sometimes a tactful, non-confrontational discussion can help call attention to the matter. Practice what you’ll say ahead of time so you don’t find yourself getting emotional. Be specific about what’s happening and how it’s impacting your work. Then, ask for the specific change you’d like to see.
4. Remember: It’s THEIR Issue, Not Yours
Look, most of the time, things like this aren’t really about YOU. So instead of taking it personally, try to consider for a moment what’s going on for your boss. What’s causing this behavior? Does he perhaps feel threatened by you in some way? Does he have a self-esteem issue that causes him to put others down so he can feel better about himself? You might uncover something that makes the behavior a little easier to put up with or just ignore altogether. Sometimes people have annoying character traits that don’t serve them well, but there’s nothing you can do to change them. Just remember: It’s their issue, not yours. Take comfort in the fact that, if you see it, others see it too. And this kind of behavior will hold them back in life and in their career at some point.
5. Keep Your Cool
Focus on yourself and maintaining your composure, even when you feel put down. Be the bigger person. Don’t let someone else’s bad attitude ruin your day or your self-worth. Consider this practice. We all have to deal with difficult people in the workplace. You’re getting some great experience here! Remember the old saying, “Kill ‘em with kindness.” Sometimes, nothing feels better than responding to rudeness with a smile and warm-hearted compassion. And it often shifts the other person’s behavior as well.
6. Demonstrate Your Capability
Okay, maybe your condescending boss really thinks you’re kind of an idiot. Too bad for him. You’ve got this job and there’s a reason you’re here. Step up to the plate and prove him completely 100% WRONG. Demonstrate your knowledge and capability through your actions. Let the mean attitude and tone of voice roll off your back, knowing that you’ve got the upper hand. By consistently doing your best, he’ll have no choice but to see his error in judgment.
That doesn’t mean it will be easy. In fact, there’s nothing harder than really working your buns off for someone who doesn’t believe in you. But you know what? There are plenty of people who DO believe in you out there. So do it for them.
You deserve to be seen for who you are and what you offer. If someone—a boss or anyone else—doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve, give it a fair shot. Follow the tips above and help them understand your value and how you want to be treated. But of course, recognize when it’s time to move on as well. You can’t force someone to treat you the right way. All you can do is try. If that doesn’t work, go find someone who supports you and doesn’t tear you down.
If you let them get away with this, they turn into a real monster. My boss just thinks one needs a higher degree to gain respect! Meanwhile, I have seen the World and know more about it then her little world of degree learned issues.
My boss seems to assume I’m going to screw up and she is really snide. I have 4 degrees, but I am older and haven’t worked for a while. Sometimes I feel like crying.
I try to remember that I won’t be there forever, but when something goes wrong, they seem to enjoy pointing it out, even if it wasn’t my fault. Even the customers notice (I am a supermarket cashier.)
I feel so low tonight.
Hey there. I realise your comment is old but I just wanted to reach out and say I hope you’re doing better now. I also work in a supermarket and the bosses here treat us like dirt.
I really relate to you, I cried tonight because of the same thing, some people don’t realize they’re being like that and it’s really sad
Thank you for these well thought out strategies. I was feeling like the situation was hopeless. I do sometimes take things out of context. I will heed your suggestions.
I was treated like a two year old in front of my whole staff team yesterday so responded and challenged. They stormed off like a child, who is the child?. Be polite and condrascend allways works.
They aren’t going to change, and neither should your expectation to be treated like an adult. Looking for a new job is likely your best bet. Don’t bother going to HR, it takes a copious amount of complaints about the person before they act, and rarely does their action lead to termination.
This was a great article all except this
“Is this really a problem…or should you perhaps focus on building a tougher shell?”
Do you really believe people are able to just focus on building a tougher shell? I think generally if people feel something isn’t right, they should trust their gut and proceed with the other steps in this article.
In response to Banshee.
I’m a bit older and doing my first degree while working for a condescending boss. I’m leaving this company soon because I’m worth so much more as I’m sure you are. I hope you find a boss who values you because you value yourself.
Great article.
I am in my internship and my supervisor has ripped into me on two occasions. The first time was with my school Supervisor the second was with me alone. She has in so many words threatening to cut me loose. I have completed all requests yet she continues to bring up one aspect of internship which is managing a recovery group. Her threats sent me to my physician and counseling for anxiety. I am capable of completing the expectations in this environment but I am given less important tasks to complete instead. I feel like I’m between the devil and the deep blue sea. Nettapie
It feels good to know that I’m not alone. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly sorry any of us have to put up with superiors that seem to forget the reason they hired us in the first place. I currently work for someone who is truly condescending to the core. I work for a small practice with only 4 employees including her, and her husband, (who happens to be the Office Manager). I’ve been here for 3 years now, and that is too long. I blame myself for still being here after 3 years. I could go on a rant on how terrible her communication skills are, but we would be here all day. The communication between her and her patients are equally terrible. She says the most out of context things to them, and the only reason I feel it hasn’t back fired on her is because they are elderly (people in their 80’s and 90’s mostly) and they probably have no clue how they were just addressed, or maybe they don’t know how to respond. Anyway, my dilemma is this, my husband and I live in an area where rent is ridiculous, a two person income is essential. We have 6 year old daughter to take care of, bills, rent, etc. etc. On top of me trying to go back to school, so that I could build my skills and get a degree, so that I could work on getting a better job. There are days where I just want to quit. I feel torn down, and I just don’t know what to do. If employers could just look at high turn around for people quitting, or whatever. Sometimes I wonder if they realize that happy employees thrive, and work harder when they are treated with respect. Especially, when they are given the opportunity to flourish, which also has never been offered to me because they refuse to train me anywhere else in the office. I have expressed my interest in growing my skillset, and it constantly gets overlooked. The only reason I got a raise this year was to pretty much add janitorial skills to my job. Basically, I clean the bathroom, and clean up after them, pretty much. Hopefully, something comes my way soon. Believe me, I’m lookin!!
Dealing with this now, acts all buddy buddy, then burns me on my reviews with no clear definition of what to do next. I have close to 20 years experience in my field. Makes it worse that it seems my boss seems to set up traps and tests for me like I am a novice. Then on top of that he is very friendly, too friendly actually, with one of younger team members who has about 3 years working at very medial work in our field. Takes him out on elaborate international work trips and recently has been giving him supervisor responsibilities, having him interview new hires, and even took over a lead from a branch of our team. While I get piles of work and told “help him out as he is not as experienced as you” LOL. Even been trying to team him up on my work. Never points out issues with anything that guy does but seems to want to build his friend up and set me up to fail or at least struggle. Tried staying positive but it has just been progressively getting worse. I think at this point its time to look at moving on. I’ve had a couple recommend sticking it out another year, I feel that may not work though, the more he rips me down to build his friend up the less I want to stick around and the harder it is to find fulfillment in my work and less I care about the job.